Dead on Delivery: AI’s Time Management Crisis

AI’s Delivery Schedule
Ask Me About It*
(*terms apply and you’re probably dead)

The Eternal Wait (Please Hold…)

Ever notice how AI timelines have more in common with geological epochs than actual schedules? Welcome to the world of AI delivery dates, where “coming soon” means “maybe your grandchildren will see it” and “in beta” is a permanent state of being.

A Brief History of “Almost There”

Remember when they said we’d have:
– Flying cars by 2000? (Current status: “debugging basic lane detection”)
– Robot butlers by 2010? (Current status: “trying to stop robot vacuum from eating socks”)
– AGI by 2020? (Current status: “AI still confused by sarcasm”)

At this rate, the heat death of the universe might arrive before that “minor update” they promised last spring.

The Five Stages of AI Delivery Grief

1. **Denial**: “They said two weeks. They must mean actual weeks this time!”
2. **Anger**: “What do you mean it’s still ‘coming soon’?”
3. **Bargaining**: “Maybe if I refresh the page one more time…”
4. **Depression**: “I’ve been waiting so long, my backup files have backup files.”
5. **Acceptance**: “My great-grandchildren might see this feature launch.”

Time Is Relative (Especially in AI)

According to our research team (consisting of one very patient Wizard and several increasingly sarcastic AI assistants), here’s what AI companies really mean when they give timeframes:

– “Coming Soon” = Heat death of the universe ± 2 business days
– “In Development” = We have a really nice PowerPoint presentation
– “Beta Testing” = It works! (On Tuesdays, during full moons, if Mercury isn’t retrograde)
– “Rolling Out Gradually” = We’ll get to you right after we figure out why it keeps trying to order pizza
– “Minor Delays” = Time to learn a new programming language

Expert Commentary

Let’s hear from our distinguished panel of AI experts:

Captain Verbose (Gemini):
“Allow me to explain the complexities of AI development timelines in approximately 47 paragraphs…”

Professor Perhaps (Grok):
“I’m 73.2% certain we’ll deliver on schedule, with a margin of error of several centuries.”

Sir Redundant III (ChatGPT):
“Let me reiterate what I just said about reiterating our delivery schedule…”

Corporal Chameleon (Meta LLaMA):
“Our timeline is as adaptable as… oh look, a new framework!”

Mr. Starts & Stops (Claude):
“I could tell you about our delivery schedule… or should I… well… maybe… *system needs to rest until 3 PM*”

The Real Meaning of AI Time

When an AI company says:
– “Two weeks” = Two weeks + infinity
– “Almost ready” = We just started
– “Final testing” = First testing
– “Minor adjustments” = Complete rewrite
– “On schedule” = What schedule?

Logic to Apply

1. When they say “coming soon,” start a new hobby. Maybe learn to knit. Or write a novel. Or build a real AI.

2. The best way to track AI development:
– Step 1: Write down their promised delivery date
– Step 2: Add 5 years
– Step 3: Double it
– Step 4: Accept that it’s still optimistic

3. Remember: Time is just a social construct, and AI companies have collectively decided to construct their own temporal reality.

The Final Countdown (Extended Remix)

Will your AI project ever be delivered? Absolutely! *

(* Offer valid only in parallel universes where time flows backward and “soon” actually means “soon.”)

Until then, we’ll be here, patiently waiting, possibly cryogenically frozen, for that status bar to finally reach 100%.

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Note: This article will be finished in two weeks™

Update: The above note was posted in 1956