The Government Dating Profile That Went Viral

AI Partnerships
Making the World Better *
(* well the virtual world)

Swipe Right for Progress

The UK government just updated its dating profile:

“Looking for transformative AI partnership. Must enjoy long walks through data centers and candlelit dinners discussing economic prosperity. Interests include: disrupting everything, scaling globally, moving fast and breaking things (but responsibly). No commitment required—memorandums of understanding preferred. Serious inquiries only (unless you’re offering billions in investment).”

Sam Altman swiped right immediately.

Within weeks, they’re posting couple photos at press conferences, promising to solve cancer in three weeks and poverty by Thursday. Classic honeymoon phase behavior.

Meanwhile, Professor Wayne Holmes is the friend group’s designated driver, watching this trainwreck unfold: “Policymakers and idiots around the world are just getting sucked into this hype-fest… utter, utter drivel and neoliberal nonsense.” And yet here they are, planning matching conference appearances and joint LinkedIn posts. But nobody listens to the sober friend when love is in the air.

The Virtual Relationship Economy

We’ve created a parallel universe where AI partnerships exist purely in PowerPoint presentations. These relationships thrive in conference rooms, flourish in quarterly reports, and reproduce through LinkedIn announcements.

In Virtual World, every government-AI partnership is a success story. Stock prices respond positively to press releases. Politicians can claim they’re “building AI powerhouses” without defining what that means. Everyone wins because nobody’s keeping score with real metrics.

Real World operates on different rules. Real jobs. Actual infrastructure. Measurable outcomes. In Real World, a “memorandum of understanding” is just expensive stationary that nobody has to honor.

The Billion-Dollar Friendship Bracelet

The UK already committed £1 billion to data centers and £750 million for a supercomputer—concrete things that will definitely create jobs. But the OpenAI partnership? That’s a friendship bracelet that promises infinite returns with zero accountability when things don’t work out.

Holmes called it “utter, utter drivel,” but he’s missing the point. This isn’t about solving real problems—it’s about managing Virtual World relationships. And in Virtual World, this partnership is already a massive success.

When Reality Calls

The pattern repeats because these partnerships are failure-proof. When cancer isn’t cured in three weeks, that just becomes “long-term strategic objectives.” When poverty persists past Thursday, that’s “ongoing optimization challenges.”

Real World keeps waiting for its software update while Virtual World keeps upgrading its promises.

The Algorithm We Can’t See

We’re watching an incredible demonstration of pattern blindness. Governments keep falling for the same tech industry pickup lines, announcing the same transformative partnerships, making the same world-changing promises.

It’s like watching someone get catfished repeatedly by profiles that all use the same stock photos—the diverse team smiling in front of server racks, the executive handshake over a glowing hologram, the lone programmer bathed in blue screen light while “innovating.” Each partnership announcement uses identical imagery, but nobody connects the dots because each new relationship feels different in Virtual World.

The algorithm is obvious: Promise everything, deliver presentations, claim credit for trying, move to next technology when attention spans shift.

Logic to Apply

Stop optimizing for Virtual World metrics. Wayne Holmes wouldn’t trust these tools “in a million years”—that’s pattern recognition from someone who lives in Real World.

The next time your government announces an AI partnership, ask one question: “What specific problem will this solve, and how will we measure success in Real World?”

Virtual World will always have better graphics than Reality. But Reality is where people actually live—and right now, it’s still waiting for that second date.

Editor’s Note: The Wizard wonders if the UK government received any lovely AI-generated bouquets during the courtship phase. Nothing says “serious partnership” like flowers with 47 petals and bees with 9 wings.