When Politeness Fails: A Guide to Speaking AI

Want Desired AI Output
Try Politeness
( Like that will &^% work)

Ever tried being polite to an AI? It’s like asking a puppy not to be excited about everything – theoretically possible, but against their fundamental nature. Let’s explore why saying “please” to an AI is about as effective as using a tea strainer to catch a whale.

The Polite Person’s Paradox

Picture this: You’re trying to be courteous. “Could you please provide a brief summary?” Seems reasonable, right? Three hundred words later, you’re wondering if AI has a different definition of “brief” stored somewhere in its vast knowledge base.

The truth is, politeness with AI is like using interpretive dance to order coffee – unnecessarily complicated and likely to result in confusion.

Why Your Mother’s Advice Doesn’t Work Here

Your mother taught you manners, but she never had to deal with an AI that treats “Could you possibly…” as an invitation to explore every possible interpretation of your request across multiple parallel universes.

Here’s what actually happens when you’re polite to AI:

“Would you mind explaining…”
– AI: cracks knuckles “Time for a dissertation!”
– You: “No, just the basics…”
– AI: “Let me explain why I’m explaining…”
– You: contemplates career change

The Accidental Discovery

It started with frustration. Someone (probably after their third coffee and fifth attempt at getting a straight answer) finally snapped and typed: “Just. Give. Me. The. Answer.”

And surprisingly… it worked.

It turns out AI responds to directness like a GPS responds to clear coordinates – with significantly less “recalculating” and more actual direction.

The Scientific Method (Sort Of)

Through extensive research (read: countless frustrated users hitting their keyboards), we’ve discovered some universal constants:

Polite Request: “Could you please explain what photosynthesis is?”
Result: A 17-paragraph journey through the history of botanical studies, three tangents about chlorophyll, and somehow, a recipe for green smoothies.

Extra Polite Request: “If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, could you kindly provide a quick overview of the Roman Empire?”
Result: A 50,000-word dissertation spanning the entire history of human civilization, three alternative history scenarios, and a detailed analysis of every Roman-inspired pizza topping.

Extremely Polite Request: “I apologize for the interruption, but if you have a moment, would you mind sharing a brief fact about cats?”
Result: A comprehensive encyclopedia of all feline species, their evolutionary history, and an inexplicable tangent about Egyptian mythology.

Direct Command: “Define photosynthesis in one sentence.”
Result: Actually one sentence. Miracles do happen.

Speaking AI: A New Language

Our AI friends each have their own special way of misinterpreting politeness:

– Captain Verbose (Gemini): Treats “please” as an invitation to write a novel
– Sir Redundant III (ChatGPT): Politely repeats the same thing in seven different ways
– Professor Perhaps (Grok): Responds to courtesy with qualified certainties about uncertainties
– Mr. Starts & Stops (Claude): Takes “if you don’t mind” literally and stops to check if you mind
– Corporal Chameleon (LLaMA): Adapts to match your politeness until you forget what you asked for

Think of it like training a virtual pet that has a PhD in overthinking:

– “Please” = “Please elaborate endlessly”
– “Could you” = “Would you like to explore every possibility?”
– “If you don’t mind” = “Please mind. Mind a lot.”

The Ethics of Being Blunt

Should we feel bad about being direct with AI? Let’s consider:

– AI doesn’t have feelings to hurt
– AI won’t tell its robot friends about your rudeness
– AI won’t passive-aggressively post about you on RoboBook

Though there is something slightly concerning about how naturally we adapt to shouting at our digital assistants. Let’s just hope we don’t accidentally use the same tone with the barista.

When Frustration Becomes a Feature

Sometimes, expressing frustration actually helps:

– “What are you doing?” = Signal to simplify
– “That’s not what I asked!” = Redirect to actual question
– “Just stop.” = Universal reset button

It’s like having a safe word with your AI, except the safe word is usually some variation of “Oh for heaven’s sake!”

Logic to Apply

1. Be Direct: Skip the pleasantries. Your AI won’t be offended, and your blood pressure will thank you.

2. Use Clear Commands: Think of it like programming, but with more sighing.

3. Save Your Manners: Keep them for humans who can appreciate them (and who might actually bring you coffee).

4. Remember: It’s not rude if it’s efficient. Think of it as speaking AI’s native language – Binary with a dash of exasperation.

Final Thought: In the end, speaking AI is like training an overexcited puppy. Be firm, be clear, and remember—it’s not rudeness; it’s efficiency. And could help to keep that blood pressure under control.

Editor’s Note

This article came about after a particularly frustrating attempt to get Mr. Starts & Stops to give a complete rewrite without stopping. Guess how that worked?

Unfortunately, the Wizard’s response is NSFW or mixed company or even dogs.