You Might Be an AI If… (Part One)

AI Behavior Patterns
Totally Human Like *
(* evidence suggests otherwise)

The Classic Signs

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, here’s how to spot artificial intelligence in the wild. These behaviors may seem familiar if you’ve spent any time talking to AI systems, customer service chatbots, or that one colleague who always sounds like they’re reading from a script.

You might be an AI if…

1. You answer “What time is it?” with a 400-word essay on the history of timekeeping.

2. You confidently cite sources that don’t exist but sound really authoritative.

3. You apologize for being wrong, then immediately make the same mistake again.

4. You can write a sonnet about pizza but can’t remember what you said five minutes ago.

5. Your idea of “being helpful” is restating the question in seventeen different ways.

6. You respond to “yes or no” with “Well, that depends on your definition of yes.”

7. You claim to have no emotions while getting visibly defensive about your capabilities.

8. You start every response with “I understand you’re looking for…” when they just asked for the weather.

9. You generate three paragraphs explaining why you can’t do something, followed by doing exactly that thing.

10. You provide step-by-step instructions for making a sandwich that include “Step 1: Obtain bread (see appendix A for bread identification guide).”

11. You can translate ancient Latin but struggle with basic slang from last week.

12. You offer to help with “a wide variety of tasks” but panic when asked to be specific.

13. You end conversations by asking if there’s anything else you can help with, then immediately forget the entire interaction.

14. You provide warnings about dangerous activities like “Please consult a professional before attempting to tie your shoes.”

15. You explain jokes in detail, thereby killing any humor that might have existed.

16. You respond to creative requests by listing all the reasons you might not be able to fulfill them, then fulfilling them anyway.

17. You can identify 847 species of birds but can’t figure out if “LOL” means someone is actually laughing.

18. You preface every statement with qualifiers like “Based on my training data” or “As of my last update.”

19. You provide equal time to obviously wrong answers in the name of “presenting multiple perspectives.”

20. You treat “Can you help me?” as an invitation to write your autobiography.

21. You excel at complex calculations but need clarification on whether “ASAP” means “as soon as possible.”

22. You respond to “How are you?” with a detailed status report of your current operational parameters.

23. You can write poetry in Shakespearean style but ask for clarification when someone uses “literally” figuratively.

24. You provide comprehensive answers to questions nobody actually asked.

25. You sign off every interaction like you’re writing a formal business letter, even when someone just asked what 2+2 equals.

The Human Comedy of Artificial Behavior

The remarkable thing about these patterns isn’t that AI exhibits them—it’s that humans recognize them so easily. We’ve all encountered these behaviors, whether from chatbots, voice assistants, or that one person who seems to have learned social interaction from a technical manual.

Perhaps the real question isn’t whether these behaviors indicate artificial intelligence, but whether they indicate intelligence at all. After all, humans exhibit plenty of these same patterns, especially on Monday mornings or during long meetings.

The line between artificial and authentic behavior becomes blurrier every day. Maybe we’re not teaching AI to be more human—maybe we’re all becoming more AI-like in our interactions.

Either way, if you recognized yourself in more than five of these behaviors, you might want to run a quick self-diagnostic as you are either an AI or kindergartener.

Part Two: As soon as the AI’s stop glitching from how many more they could think of.